Status

I’ve been to a lot of things lately. Or not. I don’t know. It is like a paradox of doing a lot of things and not doing at all, both at the same time.

During these times that I failed to blog, I was on to something. I was on my quest of finding my self worth. Yeah you read that right. I have my issues. If you’re gonna read this blog, you’ll know that.

Have you ever felt that? That feeling of being out of place? That kind of nerve that tells you that somehow you just don’t belong in that place where you are in right now? That is what I am feeling right now.  I am on the edge of falling down and it seems like no one is there at the bottom to save me.

Why? 

Advertisements

Positivity

Dear Virtual Friend,

Today, I had a great chat with Joyce, a really good person. I am really thankful that we had that. I am extremely encouraged. How I wish that I’d have a lot of conversations like this.

Her words still lingers in my mind, and I wanna keep them their forever. She said, “it becomes harder and harder to meet real friends as you grow older” these words somehow explains why I am all by myself right now. But then, as I am typing, I realized how urgent it is for me to find a best friend.

Hmmmm… What to do?

Anyway, my crush recently posted something in her blog. So I kinda falling for her again. How I really wish to meet her and know her and have a great conversation with her.

Aside

[Place Title Here]

Dear Virtual Friend,
It is kinda awkward that up until now you I haven’t named you yet. But let it be this way since I haven’t thought of that.

For the mean time I want to tell you how lonely I become this past weeks. I hope you could help me ease this pain.

I had a six hour class. That is my class every tuesday, up until june. I have no complains about having a class so long. What kills me is the fact that even though I spent so much time in this class, still I haven’t had time to befriend and be friended by my classmates.

Just today, I heard Kit speaking with Marika, ” If we’d invite you to party with us, will you?”
Hearing those words being spoken by a classmate, and knowing the fact that it wasn’t spoken to me is seriously depressing that I had this frowning face as I went back home. Indeed, I am sad. I was just denial all these years..

I really want to have a friend. A real and nice friend. Someone who won’t use me and extort something from me.

Last term, in college, I had some people around. Later on, it turned out that they weren’t friends. I abhor these people. Users! Perhaps, I was too damned frustrated to have some friends that I turned a blind eye about the fact that they’re actually toying with me and using me. They took advantage of that and got a pretty lot of money from me. And that was enough reason for me to not see them anymore. They know that I am angry about it, but it’s like they don’t care. These people are the worst kind of people, full of evil to the root of their bones. I really regret that I let myself get corrupted by them and did some things that ruined my testimony as a christian. Good thing, the Lord is merciful enough to forgive. Last time, I saw one of them inside the campus. I can’t talk to them yet.

You see, I am so dying to just have a close friend, a nice one. Someone who will stop me from saying “I really like myself, because I’m always there when I needed me the most.”, because he will always be there. Someone I can laugh with to my heart’s content. A person who’ll be a partner in crime, you know, like Spongebob and Patrick. Someone whom I can be with when I go traveling. Or just someone who can make me say “indeed, there will always be people who will be there”

Last year, I really thought that I have close friends in the church. But later that year, they started going out without me. Our leader would be inviting all of them but not me. So I thought that these people doesn’t want to be with me, or perhaps, they just thought that I should not be in the group. That’s why right now, I dont expect much from them. Though, last time they invited me to someone’s crib.

Well, I had friends before. Back when we haven’t yet moved. These were my high school friends. And I remember, I had a best friend too. She’s a girl whom I had a crush on later. Then she never did call again after knowing.

As I am typing, I realized that all people just abandon me. Those people whom I would dear the most would just leave me behind and go on with their lives, without thinking about me. Even my sister left me and just passed away.

Being an introvert sucks when you always wanted to have people whom you can hang out with. My introversion has two sides. One is that I love being alone because nobody can offend me, but then I am also sad because I am all alone and it seem too unfair if I’d die with no friend at all while every young people have already filled their life with amazing experiences with their friends.

Wanderlust at peak

Oh, how I want to be traveling right now, smelling the cool breeze of the air. Away from the city. How I want to be to a place where I could just sit and look at other people, perhaps a cool bench sitting in the middle of somewhere. A bench in France would be the best. I want to be there. Someday, maybe.

For now, let’s study French. (Just downloaded this app called duolingo)

Living in the Suburbs

In a 3rd world country like the Philippines, poverty is rampant to the point that everyone literally says that they belong to the base of society’s pyramid, that they are the less fortunate, that they are afflicted, that they are being raped by the most influential, the most powerful and the most rich in the land. Everyone claims that. Even that person seated on a nice comfortable couch has this line. Honestly, That is my script. Or should I say “was”. After I visited my mum the other day, since it was part of my plan during my summer vacation, I was brought to an eye opening fact. And this truth made me realize how jaw dropping the life of these people living in the suburban.

In the morning, we woke up around 7. Since everybody sleeps altogether in the living room, which is also the dining room or sometimes the kitchen, and even everybody’s closet, all are obliged to wake up as early as that first person who decides to get up from the not-so-comfortable comforter which is shared by us, my mom, her husband, her husband’s sister-in-law, her husband’s niece, and another niece, then me. Yes, all six of us slept in that multipurpose room which by the way is approximately 3m by 3m in total area.

Aside from the size and the looks of the place, another thing that I noticed which made me feel guilty of complaining a lot is the meal that was served for us. For breakfast, we were given some slices of bread and a mixture of coffee and milk formula. In the afternoon for lunch, we were served with some fish fried with too much oil. And for the dinner we were given some chicken which were bought in the dirty market already cooked which cost them 2 cents (in US dollars). I was alarmed by this, having in mind that I am with two toddlers who need nutritious meals.

As we were spending the day together, I felt sad for these people. Their only past time is to sleep, stare to the almost wearing television, play with the only toy in the house and eat. So basically, everything is a routine. Wake up. Eat. Watch tv. Take a bath. Play the toy. Eat lunch. Sleep. Wake up. Watch tv. Eat. Play. Go to the neighbor. Go back to house. Eat. Watch tv. Sleep. The thing that will only break this routine is the irregular job of the adults which could include the children, since they can’t be left by themselves in the house.

Reflecting to this, I realized that I have no right to complain about what is happening to me or what is not. Before, I thought that I am missing so much in this life. I have a heart for adventure, like mountaineering, traveling, spelunking and surf boarding, diving into some different culture. I love all these, but I’ve done not even twenty percent of them, and I hated that. But now that I experienced a day with these simple yet cool and funny people, I hate the fact that I hated and complained so much.

Sometimes, we are so much stressed out thinking about the things we haven’t yet done or experienced. We even make plans on how and when to do them. We are giggling in the thought of them -traveling, obtaining gadgets or cars or luxurious houses, partying all night long for three straight days. All of these are not bad in themselves (except for the last one). We should never stop dreaming. It is our right to enjoy life as we know it. It is our right to dream for ourselves. However, perhaps it would be nicer if we will also start dreaming for others.

How about making the homeless smile? How about giving the unfortunate some healthy meal? Or some nice clothes? How about visiting the orphanage? I believe that there is something we can do. Only if we will be willing. How about start doing something today?

Old and New

Dear Virtual Friends,

I traveled here where I was once. It is where I grew. And when I say “where I grew” I don’t mean the physical growth but rather more of the attitude, the character and the spiritual stuffs.

You see, I haven’t seen these people for like these whole time when I went to college. Even communications we have none, though there’s facebook and phones. And as I stayed here for like 2 days, I realized how I changed, how I become now as a person, how I am now different from them (mostly negative) and how I missed these people so much. Throughout those years when I was away, I really thought that I am becoming way better than them and that I am growing faster than them. I was wrong.

These past few days, when I realized that the people I come to know as new friends are not actually seeing me as how I see them, I was so lonely. I told myself, “I need to talk to someone.” A lot of thoughts entered my mind. It was like a hundred set of percussions are inside my head and all of them are randomly played all at the same time. It was hard. However, coming to this place is such a relief, knowing that these people won’t let go of the thought of me, knowing that I still belong here and that I am still a part of this group.

Perhaps, I just expect a lot from my new group of friends in my new community church, especially to our “life group leader”. I thought I was in the inner circle and I was hoping that I am. Sadly, I wasn’t.

One thing I learned from this, “You can never push your way through to someone’s life and just go away after everything because that is terrible”. I did this to my old friends and my new friends did it to me. It was a lesson learned the hard way.

 

A Decisive Action

Dear Virtual Friends,

 

I really don’t know the sense of putting an addressee above like that. I mean, is anyone ever reading these?

 

Right now, I’m back in Manila and I’m seriously missing the life in province. Perhaps, my apartment is what makes it hard for me. When I got back, everything is messy and it smells awfully. I’m really thinking of moving out. Also there is a friend, not actually, an acquaintance, who invites me to live with him. It’s actually in a dormitory that I used to live in and he’s actually my former roommate.

 

Hmmm…

This calls for a serious and deep thinking.

By the way, I and my roommate (whom I’m living with right now) are reconciled weeks ago and we’re not fighting anymore. Those fights are not my major reason why I’m moving out. They are things to be considered though. Also, I don’t want to move out because of that. That is freakingly terrible. I want to leave this place with a good record. Also, I’ll still be meeting this person at church so seriously, I am not leaving here because I hate him or what. (Wait, why am I so defensive about this!?!)

Reasons for leaving (1) I want to be near school. (2) I’m not comfortable here [not because of the person but the facilities] (3) It’s really unhealthy for me to be here since I eat a lot of fast food (4) I’m about to do my thesis and I want to be with positive people.

 

PS. To those who subscribed and followed my blog because of the photos and the travel and the vacation, first of all I want to thank you for appreciating them photos. I really like traveling and taking photos so I’ll be doing it more often, and also journaling. Stay blessed! Keep on smiling 😀

PSS. I’m moving out. Is that fast? Hahaha

Image

Vacation With A Friend: Day 3

Dear Virtual Friends,

This is the last day of this trip and I’m kinda sad thinking that we are about to leave tomorrow dawn. However, thinking that I truly enjoyed this is much of a beauty than that negative idea. (Also, I don’t want to spoil everyone with negativity now, do I? )

One thing for sure, trekking in a random place here in the Philippines is absolutely awesome. It is like walking in the midst of the unknown where a lot of stunning creatures await, where a lot of breathtaking sceneries are beautifully arranged as if someone is anticipating a traveler’s pilgrimage.  I am a living witness to this since this is what we just did today, with Peter, Philip and Uncle Remy

Image

 

We first looked for somebody who can accompany us throughout this unknown. We don’t want to get lost now, do we?

Bahay Kubo

Bahay Kubo

 

The local has pets. They were adorable kitty cats. I’m more into dogs though.

The local has cats

The local has cats

I wanted to ask the local whether I can bring this home, but I was shy to ask. So cool!!!

Lomo Radio

Lomo Radio

Here’s Manong, a local who helped us in getting some coconuts and star apples.

A local getting coconuts for free

A local getting coconuts for free

He gave us unlimited coconuts, for real. Loco over Cocos!

Unlimited Coconuts for free

Unlimited Coconuts for free

And the trekking continues…

Bamboo

Bamboo

Slide for fun

Slide for fun

Uncle Remi, Peter and Philip

Uncle Remi, Peter and Philip

 

Resting is a good thing, especially if you have all day.

Sun Burst 1

Sun Burst 1

Sun Burst 2

Sun Burst 2

Then Trek again

C360_2014-03-29-15-18-42-356

Somebody was here

Wild Carabao

Wild Carabao

It's summer and the  earth feels it

It’s summer and the earth feels it

This one looks like “The Shire”

Curves

Curves

Stunning

Stunning

 

Sigh… I will surely miss this. To encourage myself, let’s think that this end is a new chance for me to visit new places. I mean, how can we be prepared for better things if we are not letting go of the old, right? After all, we won’t completely let it go, since we have a lot of photos to look at everytime we miss the place.

Before I end this blog post, I want to thank God for the beauty He has created and for giving me such heart that appreciates every single detail of it. And I want to encourage everyone to have the same kind of mind that appreciates beauty. Now, after all of this, who could say that there is no God? Seriously.